Coffee & Guilt

This is now the 4th time I have sat down to attempt to work on this "sigh". Going into the why's is laughable and I have exactly 10 minutes to finish this.
Tonight was the third night I spanked my disrespectful toddler and cried my way out of her room (granted, she was warned the spanking was coming and welcomed it). That was tonight. The rest of this post was written at least a week before with little to no changes in weariness.

This is one of the first drawings Bella ever did about a year ago. I keep it on my desk and when I look at it lately, I feel like it's a pretty good portrait of myself. Wide eyed, stumbling around, pokey lines above my head. A little topheavy. I wonder if she knew she was foreshadowing.

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Ok. This blog, "To parents of small children: Let me be the one who says it out loud" has been shared on my Facebook over and over, over a period of several weeks now. And this must be the hipster in me but when something starts to surface and get shared constantly, I roll my eyes and refuse to click on it. I know. I'm supposedly a grown up.
But when my husband posted it to my wall, that was when I finally clicked the link. And definitely found it deserving of the hundreds of times it appeared on my newsfeed.

He uses the phrase "bone tired" several times and I can't find a better description for this season of my life. This season for me is driven by fumes.

 I get by day to day on coffee and guilt. 

The guilt has so many layers, but usually what's lying at the surface is guilt over not being the mom I had planned to be. I'm stressed, busy, exhausted, dirty. My 3 year old needs my love, engagement and play. And constant conversation. OH MY GOSH SHE NEVER STOPS! I have to take a break and post a conversation we had on grocery day, which is guaranteed my "Mama Needs Wine" day.

"We going to Nana and Papa's?"
Exasperated "No, Bella, we're going to the store. You've already asked me and I've told you that."
"We going after nap?"
"No, Bella. No. Max and Miles are coming over tonight, after nap. We talked about that too."
"They coming over now?"
"Nooo. Tonight."
"After nap?"
"Yes."
"After MY nap?"
"Bella, yes. I need 5 minutes peace."
"They coming for lunch?"
"No dinner. 5 minutes peace, please."
"They coming later?"
"....Bella. Here's some books."
"Mama. We going to the store?" She asks dramatically annoyed because we're sitting in the parking lot.
"5 minutes peace."
My 5 minutes peace was used to write it down.

So, my 3 year old needs a lot. My 5 month old needs held, interaction and breastmilk. (UGH the BREASTFEEDING! The wonder and beauty of it and the gross time suck ((haha, suck))! It's another thing I feel guilty about but I really dislike breastfeeding. If I were a grateful mother I would just love breastfeeding. I feel gross when I breastfeed or pump. This is a giant ramble inside a parenthesis.) My husband needs attention, praise, companionship and, you know, the other thing. My house needs to be cleaned, de-cluttered and actually put together. The cats end up ignored completely.

I end up annoyed by the needing. There, I said it. 

The WORLD has constant needs from me and my own aren't getting met.
And there's the problem.

So, here's what I had to change.
I made a list. What relaxes me and what recharges me. When I'm relaxed I can do the things that recharge me. When I'm recharged, my needs are easier to meet or are already met. Then I can more peacefully function through this world and the season its placed me in. (I feel so cheesy saying that, but for real.)


And in this season I never dreamed I could be this tired. This thin, this easily worn. Today, I don't remember if I pumped or had lunch. I yelled at Bella. Played store. I threw a tantrum alongside a defiant toddler. Averted glances from strangers as they acknowledged my elevated and exasperated tone in the store. (I blame those cussing stupid car carts- they make everything worse.) I gave many hugs and kisses. Took lots of pictures. Snuggled a squirmy Isla while she grasped my shirt and buried her face into my chest (heart melting).

I've said it before and I'll say it again - parenthood is absolutely overwhelming. You sit there in total awe as you watch your littlest do something for the first time in her little life. You sit enveloped in the greatest of love when your daughter asks you if she's your friend and you're heartbroken when you can honestly tell her 'yes'. You break down crying at least once a week, whether you want to or not. For better or worse.

Parenting is the best thing I've ever done. But damnit, I'm exhausted. And those sky scraper standards are tumbling. I'm letting go and falling with the debris.

Homemade Crunchwrap Supreme

I used to love Taco Bell. When I wanted "Mexican" food, that meant I wanted Taco Bell. I know, it's laughable. And I've really only ever ordered two things. First it was always a Grilled Stuft Burrito. Now it's a Crunchwrap Supreme. (I say "now" loosely because I don't remember the last time I went to a Taco Bell. Wait, I just remembered. It was a few months ago. Before that though, it was a long time. Probably, like, another few months.)
That being said, I was super intrigued by this "homemade" version. I kept my expectations low and was, I'm so sorry pardon my pun, Supremely surprised! (I'm really sorry about that.)

The instructions get really confusing to me, so I attempted a picture tutorial to accompany the instructions. 

Recipe and picture from Mary Quite Contrary Bakes

Homemade Crunchwrap Supreme

12 "burrito size" flour tortillas

6 corn tortillas

1 lb ground beef

1 pkg taco seasoning of your choice

 1 jar of taco cheese (found in the same aisle as the Mexican foods/or chips)

(I have NO idea what that means but I couldn't find it and used a jar of Salsa Con Queso instead)

1 container of sour cream

 3-4 tomatoes (depending on size)

1 bag/head of iceberg lettuce

**Please note these quantities and measurements for filling crunch wraps are estimates. You should adjust filling amounts to suit your own taste.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.  Use one corn tortilla to cut a circle of the same size out of 6 of the flour tortillas.  Put the 6 cut out flour tortillas aside.  (Reserve outside of the 6 flour tortillas for making homemade tortilla chips if desired.)  

Sidenote: I didn't do that. I cheated and used a smaller size of packaged flour tortillas. I had to trim some of the medium tortillas so the larger tortilla could wrap around it but I found this to be easier for me than tracing and cutting tortillas.

Place 6 corn tortillas on a baking sheet and bake until crispy (I would recommend starting with 5 minutes and then checking every 2-3 minutes until they are done to your liking).  Put oven to "warm".  

Cook the ground beef with the taco seasoning as directed on packet and set aside (I actually used homemade taco seasoning I got from here).  

Chop tomatoes and lettuce.  

Have a medium size skillet ready on the stove and have a counter surface with all of your ingredients ready to assemble.  

Microwave a full size flour tortilla for about 10 seconds (or until warm) and lay onto counter surface.  

Place some ground beef in the center of the tortilla 

and top with some of the cheese. 

 Lay a corn tortilla on top and press down slightly.  

Top corn tortilla with some sour cream (I did about 1-2 TBSP) 

and some chopped lettuce and tomato.  

Top entire thing with one of the cut out flour tortillas that are the same size as the corn tortilla. 

Fold each side of the larger tortilla up until all the filling is covered, pressing down to somewhat seal it.

First attempted crunchwrap

Second attempt - perfection

Spray the cooking pan lightly with cooking spray and place the crunch wrap into it, seam side down.  

Cook on low-medium, pushing down lightly with a spatula, for 2-3 minutes on each side. 

Place on serving pan in oven to keep warm until ready to eat.  Continue with other ingredients until you have made all the crunch wraps.

 Enjoy! Bella did!

Chicken Alfredo Rollups

One of my favorite things to make and bring to people who need meals are these Lasagna Rollups I found in Taste of Home. (I'll post that recipe another time when I can include a picture). So I recently saw this recipe for Chicken Alfredo Rollups, which are really similar and probably packed with more creamy and glorious calories. And who in their right mind says no to that?
This ended up being a little more time consuming than I anticipated but it was totally worth it. So was making the homemade Alfredo sauce. Do that.

Recipe from Mmm...Cafe

Chicken Alfredo Rollups

9 lasagna noodles

2 ½ cups alfredo sauce (optional homemade recipe below) (I highly recommend it)

2 cups cooked, shredded chicken (I used rotisserie)

oregano

garlic salt

3 cups shredded Mozzarella, or cheese of your choice

Spray an 8×8 pan with non-stick spray and pour ½ cup alfredo sauce, or just enough to cover the bottom of the pan. Boil 8-10 cups water in a large pan, cook lasagna noodles until al dente. Now this is the important part! Drain and rinse the noodles with cold water to prevent them from sticking to each other. Then, lay out each noodle individually and blot dry with a paper towel. (I didn't blot them dry but I made sure they weren't soaking wet. I think it's to keep it dry enough to roll but not so dry that they stick. It's a little tricky.) Spread about 2 Tbs. alfredo sauce over each noodle. (If there is too much sauce you will have a big mess on your hands!) Sprinkle oregano and garlic salt on top of sauce. Take 1/9 of the shredded chicken and spread it out evenly over each noodle. Add approx. 3 Tbs. cheese. To roll up, start at one end and roll the noodle over the toppings. You will need to lift the noodle a little to prevent squishing out the inside ingredients while rolling.Place the roll-ups in the pan, one by one, seam-side down so they don’t come undone. Once they are all in the pan, pour the remaining alfredo sauce over the top. Top with remaining cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes, or until the cheese is completely melted on top.

The Best Garlic Alfredo Sauce

½ cup butter

2 ounces cream cheese

2 cups heavy cream (or substitute half and half)

2 teaspoon garlic powder

½  tsp. fresh minced garlic

salt and freshly ground black pepper

½ tsp dried oregano

⅔ cup parmesan cheese

In a medium to large saucepan melt the butter over medium heat. Add fresh minced garlic and cook for 1 minute, or until fragrant. Add the cream cheese and whisk to smooth and melted. Whisk in the heavy cream.Season with the garlic powder, salt and pepper. Bring to a simmer and whisk frequently until sauce thickens, around 15 minutes. Stir in the cheese and when melted, remove from heat and serve.

I don't have words.

Or a computer. And nothing I say will be even a little bit eloquent. But I'm drowning in the emotions I keep quiet. I'm choking on the words I'm forcing to stay in.

I can't say them well and I know I'll regret saying anything at all, but I am so lonely. Motherhood is isolating. My kids are the only human interaction I have through most of the week. My husband is typically the only adult I can talk to. It's not fair to him. But I say or do the wrong things to keep people away. I can't seem to get it right.

I don't want anything from this and I hope no one even sees it. But I'm having to force myself to be as honest here as I always intend to be. And right now, that honesty is sad, worthless and alone. And cutting this short.

Press restart.

Fruit Salad with Honey Lime Dressing

I made this for a group of 20 people and there was still fruit left over. It's one of my favorite healthier snacks for get togethers now. 

Add to that the fact that this was put together last minute in about 15 minutes. Hallelujah.

Recipe and picture originally from Oh! You Cook!

Fruit Salad with Honey-Lime Dressing 

1 pt. container strawberries

1 pt. container blueberries

(I actually used about 1 1/2 bags of frozen blueberries because I'm cheap.)

1  bunch (about 1 1/2 lbs.) seedless grapes (green, red or a mixture of both)

1/4 cup honey

juice from 2 limes (about 2-3 tablespoons)

Rinse strawberries, blueberries and grapes.  

Gently pat dry the fruit.  Hull strawberries, then cut each in half; if large, cut into quarters.

Remove stems from blueberries, if any.

Remove grapes from stems.

Gently combine all three in a large bowl or aluminum tray.  Set aside.

In a small bowl, whisk together honey and lime juice.  Pour over fruit.  

Ta da. Ea - sy.

Tequila Lime Chicken

This is one I will definitely attempt again because I know the potential for this is amazing but I am the worst at cooking anything that's not beef on a stovetop. My chicken always ends up raw or dry. And if I'm cooking a breaded chicken, forget it.
That being said, this chicken came out dry and tasting like half of the flavor had cooked out. What flavor was there was wonderful though! The sweetness of the tequila and the sour smell and tang of the lime was refreshing - and perfect for the warm evening we ate it with.
If you try this, I hope it turns out perfect for you!

Tequila Lime Chicken

Recipe originally from Plain Chicken

3 whole Limes, Juiced
5 cloves Garlic, Peeled
1 whole Jalapeno, Sliced 

(I ommitted the Jalapenos because I don't like them...)
1 teaspoon Kosher Salt
½ cups Cilantro
½ cups Tequila
5 Tablespoons Olive Oil
4 whole Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts
1 cup Monterey Jack Cheese, Grated

Combine lime juice, garlic cloves, sliced jalapeno, salt, cilantro, and tequila in a food processor or blender. Pulse until combined. Turn on the blender/food processor and drizzle in the olive oil until it’s all combined. 

Slightly flatten chicken breasts with a mallet or the bottom of a heavy skillet. Place in a plastic bag and pour in marinade. Seal bag and marinate for several hours or (preferably) overnight.

When ready to cook, remove chicken from bag and place on the grill. Cook until completely done. Toward the end of cooking, top chicken breasts with grated Monterey Jack and allow to melt. (You can also top chicken with cheese and melt under the broiler.)

Fakebook

This is a post I have lost 3 times now. The completed draft mysteriously vanished. Another attempt was lost when the computer restarted for an update and 3 minutes ago I lost it when I tried to copy and paste something, which I guess was absolutely too much for this computer to handle, and it shut the program down. 

The idea for this post came to me about two months ago where I thought chronicling my day to the minute would be an entertaining and terrifying look into the busy, joyful, mind numbing, strengthening, chaotic, beautiful and sometimes isolating look into motherhood. 

I had planned to do that for a week until I remembered that just trying to feed two children in the morning was really hard, let alone taking the time to take note of when and what was happening in the moment. I'll just call that idea a moment of temporary insanity and laugh it off.

So, the next day I tried it. I noted everything notable from wakeup through dinnertime. And it was the perfect day to do so because the mood swings and tantrums of that day were those that birth control companies would pay ME for capturing for their customers. 

At the end of this day I placed the last period and embarrassingly stuffed my face with spaghetti so I could run out the door to a meeting I was having with a few other girls. 

In the meeting that evening, conversation consisted of toddlers, tantrums, Facebook and it's detrimental role in the trap of comparisons. 

Lately, mothering has been kicking my arse. I've spent more time than I would like to admit yelling, crying or literally slamming my fists into my thighs in total exasperation and surrender. I mentioned this feeling of losing more often than I'm winning and in response a friend said something like, "What do you mean you feel like you're failing? You always share the sweetest pictures and take your girls to all of these fun places. You have it all together!" 

Oh $*&%.

What she said didn't hurt my feelings at all, but made me realize

In my effort to refrain from posting anything negative on Facebook, I unintentionally have become a perpetrator of "Fakebook". 

My pictures of us at the park, of a picnic in the backyard, a visit to the "train restaurant, a craft we did, a playdate, a sunset walk, all of it has compiled into a neat little scene of picket fenced American perfection. 

If you read more than 2 things I post here or read my "about me", you'll find out that is something I am working hard against because

 I'm sick of the bullshit competitive sport that parenthood has become and I'm ashamed that I've found myself fitting into that snug little facade on Facebook. 

Not on purpose, not at all. 

So the drive for this post has changed. It will still be a candid capture of a piece of my day, like most of this blog and social media is, but it will be revisited more often.


Now knowing the nature of this post, when I lost almost the entire thing I was furious. And when it happened 2 more times I was in tears. Instead of deleting the whole thing and crying in my pillow until naptime is over, I'll just share the events of one morning, because that's all I got. And it was a good one.

7:22: Bella opens and closes our bedroom door to wake us up. When I say, "open and close", I mean "opens the door so far that it hits the wall, then slams it shut". We're too tired to tell her to stop. So when that didn't get us to engage her in conversation, she stood in the doorway and flapped what sounded like a shirt up and down. I then wearily raised my arm and waved at her. She approaches my side of the bed and I greet her. 

7:30-8:00: I changed Bella's diaper because she's refusing to use the restroom as of late. Since having Isla, Bella has reverted to pooping in her underwear whenever it was naptime or bedtime. It's been a source of disgust, defeat and tears for weeks. (Tears for me, she could care less). I almost posted a desperate plea for help from other moms because I was at such a loss. I tried everything to get her to use the potty like she does during the day. (It's been going better lately. I hope it continues.)

7:45ish: We started a show on the iPad while I pumped.

8:00: I told Bella we could go downstairs and get breakfast as soon as I put my contacts in. I heard her start Dora next on the iPad, which I decided was fine because it was better than trying to fight it.
3 minutes later- contacts are in.
I asked her if she was ready to go downstairs.
"No, not yet."
Ok, cool.
I got dressed ( in REAL clothes.) did my hair, put on some makeup which was an unexpected treat-especially because we have to actually leave the house today. 

8:30: I start to head downstairs when I find what Bella was flapping earlier was a dress she picked out to wear. I knew if I didn't put that on her she would refuse to wear anything else later so I went over to where she was laying on the bed and asked her to stand up so I could get her dressed. She was unhappy about my interrupting Dora but was mostly compliant. 

8:37: I get downstairs and start the Keurig for a cup of coffee and start to pour milk and yogurt for Bella (a safe bet for any morning). I start to hear Bella call for me so I head to the bottom of the stairs to talk to her. 
She turned 3 about 2 months ago and still doesn't speak very clearly so sometimes I have to ask her to repeat herself - sometimes many times. 
She was especially whiny so my asking her to repeat herself resulted immediately in anger. She stomped and yelled, "UGH!! Me no talk to you!!" 
Ok, lady, I'm not the one asking questions in a foreign language. 

8:43: She's laying on the ground yelling at me. I approach her and in my stern, fed up voice say, "What".
She proceeds to ask me to go downstairs. 
"Bella, yes, I'm already downstairs. You can come downstairs too."
That apparently is not the right answer. 
She flails on the floor and begins to cry. My talking to her makes it worse. My not talking to her makes it worse. I explain to her that I had asked her to come downstairs and she wanted to finish Dora, so I let her. Now she can come downstairs and have breakfast. That prompts the scream crying. Scream crying, "DOOOOOOWWWWN STAAAAAAAAAIIIIRRRRRRSSSS!!!!"
I tell her I'm done and she can come talk to me when she's done screaming. I should also mention she's doing this right in front of Isla's door, where she's still sleeping.

8:50: Bella is now slamming her feet into the wall as she cries and yells for me.
I stomp up the stairs and tell her to cut this %&* out, in a loving and censored way, and tell her to calm down or go to her room. It's then I hear Isla crying which is okay because it's about time for her to normally wake up but I'm angry about it because Bella's feet probably played a major role in her waking up. 
I get Isla changed and dressed as I try to both console Bella and discipline her behavior. I give her one last option to straighten up or go to her room pronto. Somehow, Bella recovered and happily came to greet Isla. It's then I wonder if I hallucinated the whole thing because of the abrupt change in behavior but I'm not questioning fortune. 

9:10: We head down the stairs and I give Bella her breakfast while I feed Isla a bottle. 

Then ensues the chaos of getting yourself, an infant and a toddler out the door. In this instance, we were making a simple trip to the dollar store for Easter goodies. Today, that meant a lot of fighting, a lot of prompting and reminding her of what she was supposed to be doing and a lot of attitude. 

10:11: In the car on the way to the store, she is incessantly whining and demanding a book, even though there's a bag of books next to her that she always can easily reach. 
"BOOOOOK! BOOOOOOOOOK!" 
I lose my cool and yell at her. I immediately feel terrible and another weight of "mommy guilt" is placed on my shoulders and in my chest. I'm glaring at the road in front of me, feeling ashamed and also somehow validated in my eruption as Bella is still demanding that I give her a book. Now. 

By the time we get into the store she's somehow back to normal, pleasant Bella. We talk and laugh during our stroll through the store. I take a video of her reading the word, "Skittles" unprompted. I take a picture of the two of my girls together looking really goofy. (Bella looked totally high and Isla had a triple chin). About 10 minutes into the store, Bella tells me her skin is hurting. She has terrible eczema that has been a constant, horrible battle this winter. If we manage to get it under control it's normally only for a couple of days before it's back, bright red and bleeding from incessant and unconscious scratching during the night. I apologize to her and tell her we'll lotion up when we get home. She does well for about another 10 minutes before she's really complaining and trying very hard to reach a spot on her upper back. I look and notice the dress she had wanted to wear that morning had a tag that was irritating a spot on her back. There was nothing I could really do about it except check out and get her home. Bella's patience was all used up and the idea of going home to put lotion on made her burst into tears. I hugged her and apologized over and over for her skin. I reminded her it was the cow lotion that she liked. I'd give her some fruit snacks with lunch for being so good in the store. I begged her not to scratch it. Firmly reminded her that the way she continued to lose it was really not appropriate for the store. 
We finished checking out and I managed to calm her down by pointing out that it was starting to snow. "Let's hurry outside so we don't miss it!"

10:46:  We walked outside into the clean air smelling of smoke and snow lightly falling around us, leaving little nips of cold with every touch of every flake. A small reminder that things aren't so bad. Everything is temporary, beautiful and manageable and not only can I make it but I need to remember to enjoy the good parts and brush away the bad.

10:55: On the highway home, Such Great Heights by Postal Service is playing and snow is falling rapidly around us. It's a beautiful little moment until Bella asks me for her CD. I tell her after this song because mama loves this song. She says, "No! Now!" I tell her absolutely not and for talking to me like that I'm not going to put her CD on at all.

So then this happened:

We pulled into the drive and the snow is surreal and immaculate. Bella had mostly calmed down. 
I asked Bella if she saw all of the snow. 
She responded yes.
I asked her if she wanted to stand in it with me. 
She said yes. 
I unbuckled her from her carseat and we stood in the snow together. It was cold but not so cold that it was bitter. It was cold enough that it numbed the cold bites of the flakes. The snow was doing what I love most about it - muting the world around it. The world becomes so much quieter. So peaceful.

 It sounds like what it may feel like to stand in a painting. The canvas muffling sound but the paint keeping everything alive. Its silence was interrupted by the constant little ruffled sounds it made as the flakes hit the world around us. A small, busy sound. 

This picture would have been posted to Facebook without the entire backstory of the day. 

I took Isla out of the carseat and stood in the garage with her, waiting for a moment when Bella may be done in that time out the weather gave us. Watching her experience that peace I love so much was enough. It reminded me that really all of this crap balances out. I was disrespected and treated like crap for most of the day, but in the end we're the same. 

We need the same things. And I understand it. Because she's my little one.