Pinteresting: Pumpkin Cookies

Well, look at me. Day 1 into the year and into my Pinteresting challenge and I actually did something.

The Recipe

These turned out really good. I thought they tasted like pumpkin bread though a little sweeter. I would like to make it again with different canned pumpkin. I used WalMart brand's and feel like it would have been a little better with better quality pumpkin. (Sorry WalMart. You know how it is.)

http://pinterest.com/chantegale/

Shutting down.

"Don't you go anywhere."
"What?"
I'm laying in bed while Palmer plays with Bella downstairs. I had spent about 15 minutes scrolling through my FB app without reading anything - just swirling convoluted and intoxicating thoughts, worries and fears around in my head.
"Don't you go anywhere on me," he says again.
I'm laying in bed so this is making no sense. 
"You can't shut me out. You can lay down but please don't shut me out again."
Immediately I'm scolding the tears building up behind my eyes. I'm shutting down, which is what I do when I don't know how to handle something or when things are getting a little too dark; I bring it inward. That Palmer recognized that before I really did is not only proof of the man he's become over the past years and how well our relationship has learned to function but also a reminder of the dangers of my habits.



And this is where I'm ridiculous. I can write again why I started this blog but it's all on the right hand corner under the picture. I needed a place to be honest and to share my honesty with other people, especially mothers, who may (and probably) struggle with the same things I do. 
However, I didn't intend for this to be a brooding or fluffy blog about how much I love my kids or about how sad I am that they poop all over me without apologizing. I just meant it to be me in words and pictures. So posting about our Christmas advent activities was fun. Posting recipes is easy. Sharing my little at home preschool adventures makes me feel good. But when it's time for me to sit down and type something brutally honest that likely reflects really poorly on me as a parent, I sit for days in front of Netflix avoiding my computer. 
Remember that time I started a blog intending to make myself vulnerable by posting my raw thoughts and feelings for a minute? That was funny. 

But it's time. I am over 10 months pregnant and might I add, that is not the 9 months that everyone's always sold you into. I go in tomorrow to be induced and I am dazed by my conflicting emotions. 
There is actually an end in sight. I can actually make plans for when I'm not pregnant, which I don't remember now what it's like to not be pregnant. (I'm kind of joking.) But we've been through these steep ups and downs with thinking the end was in sight that it's hard to believe it really is happening. It's hard to be happy. 

 I go from being elated at this thought to scared so blindly that I can't function. I had a rather traumatizing labor and delivery with Bella (what L&D isn't terribly traumatizing...a person tore through your vagina or was ripped out of your stomach...that's effing dramatic). But my labor was drawn out 26 hours, involved little pain medications, restrictive bed rest the entire time, lots of stitches in places that shouldn't be stitched and then an emergency life flight to Children's Mercy hospital where I was told my newborn may have a condition .1% of babies can get. She didn't - thank God. The morning my water broke through the first couple of weeks we actually had her safe at home are literally like a bad dream I luckily don't remember much of. 

So as the (miserably pregnant) days have drawn on and on, I find myself less prepared and excited and much more terrified and almost resentful. That's a word I've been very scared of saying because how big of a baby am I? And how terrible of an expectant mother am I to be pouting at being overdue? But I am. I go from being joyous at the anticipation of holding her in my arms to numb to the idea of the entire thing. I go from crying at pictures of newborns to laying in bed wondering if I've ruined the great balance and life we have. I go from thinking about the entire labor process feeling empowered to sitting in tears in the middle of the night scared to death of what I've gotten myself into. 
The last several weeks have left me with a lot of time to dwell on all of the things that can go wrong. And to make plans accordingly for all of those horrible "What ifs". This unexpected extra time has left me in more of the guilt of being an incapable mom to Bella as the times I say, 'Mommy can't do this' and 'I'm sorry sweety, pretty soon I can do that again' are more and more frequent. And then another round of my fear that I've made a horrible mistake in thinking that  I can be the kind of mom I want to be to TWO children. These days being confined and waiting have left me more and more terrified that the dark and scary weight of depression will revisit, too. The kind of darkness a good mom would never experience.

I keep mostly grounded in remembering that most of what I'm thinking and feeling are a waste of energy and time...but that only pacifies them for so long. 

Today I wanted to plan a final day of play for Bella and I. I was going to take her to Laugh Out Loud (a local indoor play area), we would have lunch with daddy, make a couple of projects together including decorating some onesies for baby and finish the day with daddy joining us in more fun. We made it to LOL and when it was time to leave we had a meltdown. It was one of those really embarrassing parent moments where your child is acting like a little snot literally in front of a circle of spectating parents and my giant Beluga whale pregnant self couldn't control the situation. We made it to the car, luckily held off tears from both parties until later, but it was really hard to keep this moment from solidifying all of my fears of failure.

I feel like now I'm just droning on about the same things. What I haven't said enough about is the other half of the time I just can't wait for sweet baby girl to be here. When Bella lighting up when we talk about baby breaks my heart. When I excitedly announce to whoever is around how old baby will be this time next year and I already have a hard time imagining her not being around. How much I love feeling how spirited she is and she's not even born yet. How it brings me to tears that Bella kissed my baby belly for the last time tonight. 

See what I mean? These thoughts and emotions make a person crazy. 
And for all of that I do apologize for this post. It's honest and ranty and all over the place, which is what it's supposed to be but I was hoping for something at least slightly well written also.

So at this point, I'm going to keep my mind busy with Netflix and wait for my Tylenol PM to kick in. The next time I write anything in this, I'll have had the baby. Awesome.

If for some reason you do read this before any kind of announcement that we've had her safely, please pray for us.

Stuffed Mushrooms, Baked Pancakes and Taco Soup

Lately I've had more mediocre attempts with food than I did anything remarkable. (The only reason I share the recipes I didn't like is to give others a chance to try it and also just share my flops as well as my wins). Anyway, my only winning recipe as of late was for Green Bean Stuffed Mushrooms and they went over extremely well. I've never dealt with stuffed mushrooms so I was also pleasantly surprised! (Thank God because I made them for a crowd of Christmas dinner guests. I always try new recipes for crowds, what is wrong with me??)

Green Bean Casserole Stuffed Mushrooms

(This is not my image - all of the pictures I took of them were awful but they looked a lot like this)

3 turkey bacon strips, diced
1 1/2 tsp minced garlic
1 can (14 1/2 oz) French style green beans, drained
3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese, divided
1/4 cup condensed cream of onion, undiluted
1/4 cup water
1/8 tsp ground nutmeg
1/8 tsp pepper
1 cup dry bread crumbs
30 whole baby portobello mushrooms
cooking spray
1 can (2.8 oz) French fried onions

1. In a small skillet, cook bacon over medium heat until crisp. Add garlic; cook 1 minute longer. Place the green beans, 1/2 cup cheese, soup, water, nutmeg, pepper and bacon mixture in a food processor; process until blended. Transfer to a small bowl; fold in bread crumbs.

(I didn't want to process them in a food processor. I kept imagining eating mushy green bean casserole so instead I mixed everything, with less water, in a large bowl. I was really happy with how it turned out)

2. Remove stems from mushrooms; discard stems or save for another use. Spritz mushroom caps with cooking spray; place in ungreased baking pan, stem side down. Bake at 425 degrees for 10 minutes, turning once. 

3. Drain liquid from caps; fill with green bean mixture. Top with remaining cheese and fried onions. Bake 8-10 minutes longer or until mushrooms are tender and filling is heated through.

Baked Blueberry Pancakes

The Recipe

This was a Pinterest find that I wanted to try out and it really didn't impress me. The batter was very bland and it's only redemption was the blueberries. I very well could have done something wrong because I really like my other baked pancake recipe (found here). Hopefully it turns out better for you if you try it! 

Fiesta Turkey Tortilla Soup

Four 14 1/2 oz cans chicken broth

3 cups shredded cooked turkey

One 15 oz can black beans, rinsed and drained

One 15 1/4 oz can drained whole kernel corn 

1/2 cup medium salsa 

Five 6 inch corn tortillas

1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro

Simmer cans of chicken broth, cooked turkey (I used chicken), black beans, corn and salsa for 10 minutes. Cut corn tortillas into 1/4 inch strips; bake at 400 degrees for 4-6 minutes or until golden brown. Stir in fresh cilantro (I used a couple of tablespoons of dried cilantro because it's what I had on hand). Serve with tortilla strips and additional salsa. 

This recipe had another slightly disappointing turnout. It reminded me a lot of the Chickadilla Soup I tried and loved a few weeks ago (I've recently renamed it "Enchilada Soup" because saying "Chickadilla" makes me feel like an idiot.) It didn't have a lot of flavor and felt like it was just lacking. It's good for when you need to make something quickly but it's not my favorite.

Pinteresting

In an effort to take more opportunities to make light of my failures instead of let them totally defeat me I'm starting a new endeavor that I think 90% of you reading this right now have experienced.
I'm calling it Pinteresting. (That name sure puts me off to a good start...)

My challenge is to make more use out of my Pinterest boards and actually DO as much as I can. I'm starting on the 1st of 2013 and my goal is to do at the very least one thing a week, whether it's a recipe, craft, children's activity or clever little household tip. Ideally, I'd like to do one of each but I'm kind of having a baby right now (I wish I meant that literally - I mean any day around the 1st of the year) and taking on juggling my current life, a newborn and a new side project is quite laughable.

This is meant entirely to be fun and I'm actually looking forward to it...for now.

Christmas 2012

These are a collection of pictures my husband took of Bella (at my ever so sweet and persuasive coaxing). I'm taking only a moment to say it, but I am so proud of his talent. He's not a professional or anything which leaves so much room for him to grow his raw eye for photography and all things creative. 

Ok, the moment's over. Now to looking at Christmas pictures.

(And any editing done was by me on a free site...so please don't judge...)

Bella has started doing this silly hard blink that I think is hilarious.

First attempt...oops

Perfect

It's so hard to believe that next year we'll have a 3 year old and almost 1 year old. Oh, things are getting so fun :)

Food as of late

I haven't kept up with posting my "winning recipes" for months. I wish I had because I've tried so many recipes since September (Shh, I know, I said I'm really behind) that I wish I had shared when I could remember what they were. So this is a super basic and short post sharing a couple of the recipes I've tried as of late.

For Thanksgiving we bought two small turkey breasts that we made for two separate meals. I used two separate recipes, just for fun, and this is my verdict:

YES

The recipe

We oven roasted this turkey breast and because of my poor planning I wasn't even able to follow the directions all that well and this turkey still turned out delicious. It was a mini Thanksgiving!

NO

The recipe

I'm sure this turned out well for someone out there, but it was really not very good for us. It had the texture of roast beef and little to no flavor. It's another example of something that should just probably not be made in a crock pot.

Chickadilla Soup

( Sorry, no picture)

1 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts or thighs

30 oz diced tomatoes

10 oz mild enchilada sauce

4 oz chopped mild green chilies

1 quart chicken broth

2 15 oz cans of black or pinto beans

10 oz frozen corn

1/2 medium onion, chopped

1 Tbs chopped fresh cilantro

1 tsp cumin, chili powder and salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

Place all ingredients into a 6 qt slow cooker. Mix. Cook on Low for 6-8 hours or on High for 3-4 hours.

After a few hours, once chicken is thoroughly cooked, remove from pot, shred and return to pot for remaining cook time. Add serving options per taste. 

Serving suggestions: tortilla chips, hot sauce, sour cream, lime wedges, fresh avocado, shredded cheese, fresh cilantro.

I loved this soup. It's from Kashi where their tagline says, "A kid-friendly recipe with good stuff inside" and they were for real. Bella helped me make it and ate it really well - all 7 days it fed us. It says it freezes well so I made it for a friend after she had her baby and I think it froze well for her. This is definitely one of my favorite new recipes. 

Basic Cranberry Sauce

The recipe

I really am not a fan of cranberries or cranberry sauce but for our mini Thanksgiving that I mentioned earlier I was interested in trying this recipe that involved orange juice and honey. It turned out well but hasn't won me over to cranberries, yet. 

Hearty Quinoa and Corn Chowder

The recipe

This new chowder I tried is seriously worth doing. Just take my word for it. I did replace the bell peppers with mushrooms only because we love mushrooms and don't care for peppers. 

Green Chili Enchilada Bake

The recipe

I made this last week and didn't have the sour cream the recipe called for. I wasn't totally happy with it and thought of several things I wanted to add - enough so that I made it again this week. It's almost funny how many changes I made to it by the end. The original recipe is linked above. Below I'll post my own wacked out version of it. 

Green Chili Enchilada Bake: Take 2

1 cup reduced fat sour cream

3/4 cup salsa verde, mild

12 white corn tortillas broken into 1 inch pieces

2 cups cooked chicken

1 15 oz can black beans, drained

shredded cheese (why would you ever measure cheese, just dump it on)

1 box Rice A Roni Spanish Rice 

1 can Rotel (mild) in place of diced tomatoes with the Spanish Rice

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Spray 9x13 inch baking dish with cooking spray. 

2. Prepare Rice A Roni Spanish Rice

3. Combine all ingredients into baking dish, including prepared Rice A Roni. Top with cheese.

5. Bake for 22 - 25 minutes until cheese is melted. 

Done

I will add that my husband said several times that he loved this version compared to the other. So, it's not just my pregnant self that liked it a lot. 

Belly Chronicles

This pregnancy has been night and day different from my first pregnancy. Allow me to list the ways:

Here we go again!

Taking her temperature, unprompted

1. This time I was sick all through the first trimester, which I didn't experience with Bella (thank God! I feel terrible for anyone who suffers from morning sickness now. It's like motion sickness that never goes away...).

Park date, 2 months pregnant                           

2. I swelled up and gained 50 pounds with my first one, this time I was able to keep the weight gain under control and experienced very minimal swelling (again, thank God!).

Baby traveled to London!

And Paris!! (I was feeling pretty bloated and gross here, unfortunately) 

 3.  I've officially outgrown my shoes which didn't happen last time. So that sucks. 

4 month belly

4. I've been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions during this last trimester and they weren't that terrible at first. Just a tightness that was unpleasant and uncomfortable. But they've gotten progressively worse and last all day. Now my contractions get more tight and wrap around into my back. They also create a tightness in my chest that feels like that massive weight of anxiety you have during an anxiety attack that makes it feel impossible to breathe (which during an anxiety attack creates more anxiety...go figure). It also has started causing a tightness in my jaw, like I've had something really sour, and my face and chest to flush. It's all really impressive. And I feel like such a whiner about it all until I really list this all out. Then I think I deserve a pat on the back for not spontaneously melting or something equally weird but probable at this point.

5 Month Baby Girl!

5. I have an outtie. That didn't happen with my first pregnancy either.

5 Months Pregnant

6 Months Pregnant

6. "Pregnancy Brain" hasn't been a real problem, per say, but it's definitely occurred more this time than last. I almost actually went to the store with no shoes. I got to the car and wondered why the foot pedals felt weird until I realized it was because I was barefoot. I did make sure Bella had shoes on, so that counts for something.

3 Davidson Girls

7. The end of this pregnancy is kicking. my. ass. It's literally causing butt pains. My pelvis feels like it's going to crumble into pieces and I promise I'm not exaggerating. It feels like someone put a bowling ball in my gut, punched my pelvis repeatedly, pulled the muscles in my inner thighs, put a layer of tissue paper between my jeans and the baby and then told me to go walk it off. I have no idea what's happening to my body anymore.

The belly and I ran our first 5k at 7 months! Insane? Yes. But the feeling of accomplishment made any level of insanity totally worth it.

8. I don't really have a problem with hormones but this time they were a little harder to control. And with that, I need to take a moment to politely expand my thoughts on this particular topic.

HORMONES AND HOW THEY DESTROY YOU, DEMOLISH ALL REASON AND EAT YOUR BRAINS IN THE PROCESS

That title has some slightly strong language but nothing exaggerated or anything. Hormones are completely unfair. I don't even mean the hormones themselves are unfair (I'm starting to imagine these really cartoony little beasts). What's unfair is how most people react to and treat women who have any level of elevated hormones. I remember getting so angry with myself and apologizing extensively for crying in front of my husband. My sweet husband would every time tell me to never apologize for anything like that. He would go on to say we should live our lives closer to that anyway; feeling raw emotions for what they are and reacting accordingly. When something is heartbreaking - show it. When something overwhelms your heart with love - show it. When something makes you so angry your skin starts to burn - show it (with some discretion, probably). And he was right, that genius of a man. I remember explaining to him, in a defeated state, how no one takes someone who is hormonal or even potentially hormonal, seriously. My feelings are invalidated, my thoughts pushed aside and I am not taken seriously altogether because someone can very easily think or say, "Ahh, she's hormonal."
That is wrong. It is belittling. I had someone laugh and tell me my reaction and feelings about something were just my hormones so that this person could avoid responsibility. I didn't say anything because I let myself believe her but that is unfair.
This is all to say that I have learned from this pregnancy and this experience with my hormones that I need to be more careful about how I treat other women who may or may not be "hormonal". And to be more vigilant about standing up against the "Oh, she's hormonal" write off.

Now that that's been said, let's get back to how hormones destroy your very being, laughing and crying and screaming the entire time. My own hormones haven't been like extreme mood swings that feel like someone's driving me off a cliff against my will. It's more like a filter has been completely removed and any feeling I experience, whether it's anger, frustration, embarrassment, excitement, joy, love, all of it is processed differently. It's like my body has no idea how to handle this feeling and the only thing it knows to do is make me cry uncontrollably. (I'm not much of a crier and I am an UGLY crier. So this all was a terrible adjustment...and eventually just a big joke.)
              Some examples:

 -We went to see Brave, which was fine, nothing totally heartwarming or heartbreaking, just a decent movie. I cried the entire time. Why?! I was thinking about the struggles my girls and I will have. How much I love them. How exciting it will be to see movies like this with my girls for the first time. Oh no, the mom's a bear. I'm crying about it. Ridiculous. Luckily, I wore those awful 3D glasses the whole time so it was harder to notice until the credits rolled. And I'm still crying.
               - A friend colored my hair for me and it turned out differently than I had envisioned it in my head. It wasn't my friend's fault, we just had a breakdown in communication and I didn't clarify what I was wanting more clearly. So my hair comes out totally different than I had imagined and I feel horribly ugly (oh, and fat because I'm 6 months pregnant and hadn't showered in 2 days). Normally I would have either said it was great and went home and colored it (which I've done in the past). Or I would have told her that I didn't like it but I'd let it grow on me. Or I would have said I didn't care for it but I'd let it grow on me and went home and cried...which was a small part of what I actually did. My response? I started to gently tell her that I didn't like it and then broke down sobbing like the hormonal idiot I was trying not to sound like.
            - Palmer and I ran our first 5k together (At almost 7 months pregnant, I know, what's wrong with me - but it was awesome) and they had the runners all horde together in a giant mass and wait to run in waves. In all of the anticipation and excitement, I started to cry. Good Lord someone get the pregnant lady out of this 5k - she's insane and crying.
            - During the race I fell down in front of, oh, 80 - 100 people. I wasn't hurt but I was really embarrassed. So, naturally, I start crying like a toddler.
            - This pregnancy has done something really terrible to me, and no it has nothing to do with my privates. It's made me totally terrified of scary movies which I have always loved. I LOVE a great scary movie! If it is so scary that it keeps me up at night, I happily chalk it up onto my list of Greatest Scary Movies, and then try not to pee my pants for the next 3 nights. It's a wonderful time. But these hormones, these terrible, soul stealing hormones have come and made me unreasonably afraid of the most unoriginal and silly...everything. Pictures, movies, games, TV shows. That exciting ride your imagination takes you on after taking in something scary was suddenly turned into that tunnel in Willy Wonka's factory. Anything even remotely troubling is intensified and how does my body react? Crying. I get so scared I cry.

        So, you get the idea. I had a hormone problem this time around.

8 months pregnant

Baby. There's no more room there.

9. However, with my last pregnancy, I developed preeclampsia towards the end and I'm so thankful I've not had any real medical complications, besides having to buy new shoes.

9. Months. Pregnant.

10. This baby is WAY more active than Bella was! It's so hard to catch it on video but we did our best with this one.

11. With my last pregnancy I also dealt with some terrible depression in the last few months (which bedrest doesn't help). This time I struggled quite a bit during the second trimester but I was able to fight it off and it wasn't as severe as it was in the last trimester of my first pregnancy. These things I am so very thankful of.

We used a video to announce our news to our families for Mother's Day. Ta da! 

This baby has been to Europe, ran a 5k and is going to an AMAZING concert this Sunday (unless she has other plans, which would be fine with me.) all within the womb, which is no small feat. She'll have a lot to brag about when she comes out. :)

We are so terribly excited to meet our little bird. This post was never intended to whine and complain about pregnancy but only to make fun of all of the insane things that happen to your body (and your brains). I've kept my complaining to a bare minimum because the realization that I truly am blessed to be able to do any of this has been a harsh one. Being a mother was a given in my life, but that it would come easy for me was not. I have so many friends and have known too many people who have not had the same experience as I have and it breaks my heart. There's no way I can witness a friend lose their pregnancy or try for months and months to get pregnant and then let myself moan and groan (publicly) about the ailments of being pregnant. Not to say I can't be miserable and complain, or that anyone else can't vocalize their discomfort, but I do try really hard to keep everything this post has whined about to myself...until now. :)

I love this little girl so much.

This room is ready for a baby.