Friday, June 14, 2013

Coffee & Guilt

This is now the 4th time I have sat down to attempt to work on this "sigh". Going into the why's is laughable and I have exactly 10 minutes to finish this.
Tonight was the third night I spanked my disrespectful toddler and cried my way out of her room (granted, she was warned the spanking was coming and welcomed it). That was tonight. The rest of this post was written at least a week before with little to no changes in weariness.

This is one of the first drawings Bella ever did about a year ago. I keep it on my desk and when I look at it lately, I feel like it's a pretty good portrait of myself. Wide eyed, stumbling around, pokey lines above my head. A little topheavy. I wonder if she knew she was foreshadowing.


Ok. This blog, "To parents of small children: Let me be the one who says it out loud" has been shared on my Facebook over and over, over a period of several weeks now. And this must be the hipster in me but when something starts to surface and get shared constantly, I roll my eyes and refuse to click on it. I know. I'm supposedly a grown up.
But when my husband posted it to my wall, that was when I finally clicked the link. And definitely found it deserving of the hundreds of times it appeared on my newsfeed.

He uses the phrase "bone tired" several times and I can't find a better description for this season of my life. This season for me is driven by fumes.

 I get by day to day on coffee and guilt. 

The guilt has so many layers, but usually what's lying at the surface is guilt over not being the mom I had planned to be. I'm stressed, busy, exhausted, dirty. My 3 year old needs my love, engagement and play. And constant conversation. OH MY GOSH SHE NEVER STOPS! I have to take a break and post a conversation we had on grocery day, which is guaranteed my "Mama Needs Wine" day.

"We going to Nana and Papa's?"
Exasperated "No, Bella, we're going to the store. You've already asked me and I've told you that."
"We going after nap?"
"No, Bella. No. Max and Miles are coming over tonight, after nap. We talked about that too."
"They coming over now?"
"Nooo. Tonight."
"After nap?"
"After MY nap?"
"Bella, yes. I need 5 minutes peace."
"They coming for lunch?"
"No dinner. 5 minutes peace, please."
"They coming later?"
"....Bella. Here's some books."
"Mama. We going to the store?" She asks dramatically annoyed because we're sitting in the parking lot.
"5 minutes peace."
My 5 minutes peace was used to write it down.

So, my 3 year old needs a lot. My 5 month old needs held, interaction and breastmilk. (UGH the BREASTFEEDING! The wonder and beauty of it and the gross time suck ((haha, suck))! It's another thing I feel guilty about but I really dislike breastfeeding. If I were a grateful mother I would just love breastfeeding. I feel gross when I breastfeed or pump. This is a giant ramble inside a parenthesis.) My husband needs attention, praise, companionship and, you know, the other thing. My house needs to be cleaned, de-cluttered and actually put together. The cats end up ignored completely.

I end up annoyed by the needing. There, I said it. 

The WORLD has constant needs from me and my own aren't getting met.
And there's the problem.

So, here's what I had to change.
I made a list. What relaxes me and what recharges me. When I'm relaxed I can do the things that recharge me. When I'm recharged, my needs are easier to meet or are already met. Then I can more peacefully function through this world and the season its placed me in. (I feel so cheesy saying that, but for real.)

And in this season I never dreamed I could be this tired. This thin, this easily worn. Today, I don't remember if I pumped or had lunch. I yelled at Bella. Played store. I threw a tantrum alongside a defiant toddler. Averted glances from strangers as they acknowledged my elevated and exasperated tone in the store. (I blame those cussing stupid car carts- they make everything worse.) I gave many hugs and kisses. Took lots of pictures. Snuggled a squirmy Isla while she grasped my shirt and buried her face into my chest (heart melting).

I've said it before and I'll say it again - parenthood is absolutely overwhelming. You sit there in total awe as you watch your littlest do something for the first time in her little life. You sit enveloped in the greatest of love when your daughter asks you if she's your friend and you're heartbroken when you can honestly tell her 'yes'. You break down crying at least once a week, whether you want to or not. For better or worse.

Parenting is the best thing I've ever done. But damnit, I'm exhausted. And those sky scraper standards are tumbling. I'm letting go and falling with the debris.


  1. This is how I feel all of the time. Perpetually behind, constantly missing those important moments, always falling short of my own perception of what I should be as a Mom, a wife, business woman, house keeper, Christian. This is how I view myself and it feels like each day is a failure. I wonder why I can't do better and it ll comes down to that very thing you speak to in your post: exhaustion. I am exhausted. I want to crawl into a little room with a tiny bed and sleep for an eternity wrapped in my blanket of guilt. You are not alone. You are not a poor mother, wife or woman of God. You are human as am I, as is every mom, wife, woman out there. We aren't guilty of failure, we're guilty of comparison and self flagellation. That's not why we're here, though. Why do we abuse ourselves? When I think about the fact that we were created in God's image and how very much He cherishes us, it makes me realize that I don't have the right to abuse something that He made so meticulously and with such devotion and depth of love. One of my favorite songs is by a band called Waterdeep. It reminds me that He keeps me together and that in spite of all of my shortcomings, perceived or real, his sacrifice doesn't change and His love has made me greater than all of it.

    And By Waterdeep
    I am haunted by my love for comparison
    My fascination with a single common theme
    And I am hounded by the fear that I might be losing it
    Slipping from reality into dream

    When my mind is muddled by the way it seems to work
    I start looking for just one connecting Force
    Someone to assure me we that didn't lose the war today
    That the battle's General's still riding on his horse

    In the mornings when I pray, I've often come to You with dreams
    Little bits of power that I can't comprehend
    And sometimes I can keep my eyes unclosed for long enough
    To see the blowing of a distant steady Wind

    The distance doesn't take too long for You to cover it
    And when You reach me, You just blow these things apart
    You clear the crowd that's gathered 'round the crisis of my soul
    And whisper to my suffocating heart

    And is the juice of the joints of the motion of life
    And is the love that is between God and his beautiful wife
    And has two hands and two feet and a long, lovely side
    And rose three days after he was crucified

    So You're the Force of gravity that I feel pulling at my feet
    You're the Fuel at the center of the sun
    And, it's your Ghost that fills the atmosphere with what we need to breathe
    And, everything I've ever wondered, You're the one

    Both my hands are stained with blood
    And both my lips are stained with tears
    From when I kissed the widow of the man I killed
    And, yet You're asking me to swallow Your forgivness here today
    You say the bond required for my pardon's been fulfilled

  2. It's not about meeting your own needs any more you dumb bitch sorry ass mother it's about your kids needs dumb fuck you put your kids needs be for your own you stupid bitch trash

  3. Oh, boy, Jessica. You have obviously stumbled into the wrong place on the internet.
    1) I have absolutely zero tolerance for bullying, belittling and atrocious English.
    2) You must really struggle with some severe self confidence to lash out so fiercely at strangers who put themselves out there to connect with other mothers. Ones who struggle with depression and self value.
    3) Please never say anything like this on anything I post ever again. I welcome discussion and I embrace differences but there is no room in my life or anywhere else I am involved in for trash like what you said. I won't delete your comment. Enjoy your trolling and I hope your weekend wraps up nicely.

  4. I'm so sorry about this that was my cousin that wrote that i left her alone with the computer i should know better not to because this is not the only time she done this im going to jump her when I see her she cussed a man that i was talking to on here as will i have a 5 year old son im to busy for drama again im so sorry when i see her im going to jump her she does this to me all the time it won't happen again