Saturday, August 12, 2017

Journaling: It's enough just to make you go crazy

Look at you kids, you know you're the coolest
The world is yours and you can't refuse it
Seen so much, you could get the blues
But that don't mean that you should abuse it
Though it's enough just to make you go crazy, crazy, crazy
I know, it's enough just to make you go crazy, crazy, crazy
But you get ready, you get all dressed up
To go nowhere in particular
Back to work or the coffee shop
It don't matter because it's enough
To be young and in love
To be young and in love
Don't worry, baby
Don't worry, baby
And it's enough just to make me go crazy, crazy, crazy
It's enough just to make me go crazy, crazy, crazy
I get ready, I get all dressed up
To go nowhere in particular
It doesn't matter if I'm not enough
For the future or the things to come
'Cause I'm young and in love
I'm young and in love
Don't worry, baby
Don't worry, baby

I told my husband yesterday, quietly and calmly, that I feel he may outgrow me someday. This came after a week of busy disconnection and quiet frustration at the disconnection. We had a morning meeting between the two of us that began with "Blue Sky Thinking" (our term for larger than life dreaming) and ended with the communication of a new boundary.
I can't do Blue Sky Thinking right now. Just for now. Next step thinking? I’m there. The giant off in the future, in your dreams kind of stuff? It triggers an anxiety I unfortunately have running the show right now. For the first half of this year I held on tight as he lived in that Blue Sky. He was the glue that kept us surviving financially while struggling through his own growing pains. And I was the glue for everything else. I kept the family together. I kept the kids fed, I made sure schedules were kept to the best of my ability, got children to school and homework done and laundry and dishes clean. I ached for more from this life than just survival but all I could do was survive. I mentally prepared to stick by my husband through his valleys and emotionally prepared for losing him.
"'Cause I'm young and in love"

This creates a roll out the red carpet kind of entrance for anxiety, in case you don’t know.  It’s weaseled its way into my life and I have learned to keep it quiet by focusing on what's in front of me and on the fact that we are okay. Blue Sky Thinking widens my view too far, throwing me out of control.
And I'm tired. I'm tired of holding it together and fighting to survive and worrying about every day. So, I can’t be what I want to be for him and I can’t be what I know he needs right now and I accept it but it invites old static to come up. So I listened to the ideas that things would always be changing and maybe someday it would change this too.
"It doesn't matter if I'm not enough for the future or the things to come".

I realized later it was quite an emotional bomb to drop and I apologized to him for it. He was as understanding as he could be, you know, for something like that. We're still in the wilderness where there's beauty and magic but also darkness and that fear of the unknown. It's in the wilderness where you get real. We're in it together, though, so he understands.
"And it's enough just to make you go crazy, crazy, crazy,"
I happened to have an appointment with my therapist later that day, and instead of checking in on the whole "I can't hold friendships and I worry too much about whether people like me" part of my life I decided it was more than coincidence that this fear so blatantly presented itself today. I told her I needed to unpack the morning and I sat waiting for a moment; bracing myself for whatever was inside that baggage.
Surprise: it's the usual. Insecurities, albeit fewer in number but present, a history of near losses and the inability to keep relationships. It was good to face it, even if it's just to acknowledge it's presence. I intend to eradicate it - but not today.
Before I left she said she wanted me to use the words, "I Am Enough." as a mantra. I thought it was a good idea but I didn't necessarily feel like I needed that specific reminder - but ok sure no harm in it!  
"Don't worry, baby."

Thank.Goodness. we had a date night scheduled that night. Our last date night had been more than 2 months before which now I realize contributed greatly to the distance between us. After the emotionally strange day I wasn't especially excited for the night out but I dressed up in my nicest dress (which now fits me again for the first time in 2 years, extra), jewelry, makeup INCLUDING liquid eyeliner which is reserved for the special occasions for some strange reason. All the stops. (I did however wear dirty sandals and no bra because my class can only go so far.)
We drop two of our children off with his parents and then drop the youngest off with my parents. My parents graciously offered to buy us dinner which ended up being a wonderful time. It was one of the first times we were able to truly be together more as peers and it was refreshing. I can also say it was the first time I felt my parents really saw me. It was a special evening of connection, for sure.
We say goodbye and head downtown. There was a swing dancing event I had wanted to go to but we were arriving later than we had anticipated so we were just heading that way to see where we'd end up and what we'd do.
"To go nowhere in particular"

He was scanning the radio and I heard a snippet from a song he had paused on.
"I actually liked that song, but if you want something else that's fine."
Panic! at the Disco was playing and Palmer was feeling it so I settled on the nostalgia of it rather than the prettiness of the other song. He then changed back to the previous song which I began to protest. House rules: the driver gets to pick the song and I felt bad he was picking my choice. However when he landed back on the song the haunting voice ended up being Lana Del Rey so unfortunately for that protest it was immediately halted.
"I get ready, I get all dressed up
To go nowhere in particular
It doesn't matter if I'm not enough
For the future or the things to come
'Cause I'm young and in love
I'm young and in love"

I grab Palmer's arm and stare at him.
"Did you hear that? Did you hear it tell my story?"
My voice hitched and I knew I couldn't stop it. All that makeup down my face and I didn't care one god damn bit.
It's enough just to make you go crazy.
I choked back sobs and tried to regain composure. 'It doesn't matter if I'm not enough' sang out. 'I am enough' echoed back. And I wept.
Don't worry, baby.

The night before I sat on my deck watching a space in the clouds. The wilderness was lonely then and I prayed genuinely in that moment. Begging the universe to show itself to me. Say something I can hear. Guidance, comfort, assurance, song, anything. Just something.  
I know how this sounds and I can't phrase this to say it any less odd but it's my truth so I am going to simply share it unapologetically.
Right after that a dragonfly buzzed by, darting around me and hovering near the deck at eye level. I have learned over the past few months that specific, unique animal sightings hold meaning in my life. So after it dashed off I Googled what the dragonfly represents spiritually.
"Change in the perspective of self realization." "Change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life." Well, alright. That was as much of a response as I needed.
The next day fulfilled it's promise. What began with a dragonfly led to a day of raw self reflection, finding boundaries and reconnecting across others. It led me here; squirming yet again through the pains of growth. It's solace.