Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Taking time by the reigns

I desperately need to make time slow down. 

I watched Isla pull herself up to standing and impulsively put my hands to my cheeks and just stared at her. It's happening too fast!

Bella starts preschool in one month (actually, since my posting this it's actually two weeks). The last time I saw her with a back pack on, waiting for me to be ready to go, it broke my heart. They are growing up so fast.

It's been bothering me that I haven't posted anything since my last post, which was tired, deflated and negative. I've been nagging at myself to get on here and write anything, no matter how eloquent or well thought through anything is, and just record a written update of these times. Partly because I feel like the balance has tipped more towards only sharing the negatives and the hard stuff and not enough of the every day moments of clarity and breaking love, like the back pack moment.

Also because this time is ever so fleeting. 

In my last post, I was in such a hard chapter of balancing the new baby and her demands with a big sister and her struggles and myself sifting through emotional baggage and my husband trying to survive it all. That chapter seemed to linger for a long time but then I think about it and it was over and I was absorbed in the next one before I could really take any time to process it; let alone take any time to write about it.

I've been discouraging myself from writing anything, whether it be mundane or a growing, fiery issue I want to expose because I don't feel I ever have the amount of time I would need or the mental capacity to word anything to the point that I would be proud of it.

I don't want to say anything unless I can say exactly what I mean and mean exactly what I say. 

I'm having to just get over that at this point of my life. 

Keeping up with my two girls is all my attention is on. Making sure I don't miss a single moment.

The firsts. When Isla started crawling 

and eating real food

and pulling up to everything.

The moment you see siblings start getting into trouble together.

The quiet moments enjoying the budding summer

(the quiet moments in general)

and the firework finale of summer's end.


Hand holding

and foot holding

BaaBaa and Bella's makeup parties

and tea parties.

Bath fun

and pool fun.

Raised eyebrows

giant smiles

and brilliant eyes.

Taking moments to actually do something with her fantastically curly hair (even when it means accidentally giving her Colonial Man hair ((sorry Bella)).

 A moment to squish chubby thighs and cheeks

 (all four of them).

The moment you realize, again, the magnitude of what you're doing. Raising a little person into everything you hope for them. So that they can do the same.

Bella : Isla

I'm working to live in the moments. In the memories and flashbacks.

Bella : Isla

 Because soon it's gone. And most of the time it's gone before we realize it's passed.