Thursday, August 30, 2012

"No. Big girl."

Bella is talking more and more and more and it totally blows my mind when I take the time to think about it, which is frequent. 

I had asked Bella to head upstairs and open the door to check on Emmett, which she loves to do, while I finished doing whatever I was doing at the end of naptime. 
She lovesto be the one to go get him. A) I think it makes her feel like a Mama/Big girl and B) She loves waking her friend up to play. 
She opened the door and I heard happy jabbering and the door close behind her, which is normally fine but I make sure to go up and check on them within a couple of minutes. I opened the door and she was in the pack and play with Emmett (yes, she climbed in!) and she was saying "Hide! Hide!" and nudging Emmett to lay down as they both laughed. Adorable, right?
"Hide! Hide!"

 I played along and hid around the door frame and peeked out at them and after a couple of times Bella says,

"Way, Mama."
" want me to go away?"
"...well. Uh, can you"
How do you remind your toddler to be polite in asking me to go away?? She reached a point a few months ago where she knew when she just wanted to be alone, which I remember smiling and thinking how grown up she was getting as she slammed the door. When she vocally asked me for space, it was different. My baby is not going to need me or want me that much longer. (I mean, when you look at time in it's entirety, 5 more years out of 80ish is not much longer.) It's not that she hurt my feelings or anything. With my mouth open in surprise I agreed and then quickly texted Palmer about what she had just said with smiling emoticons.

While she was sitting on the potty daddy was sitting on the ground next to her talking to her about both of their days. Bella's day was less exciting than normal thanks to her Mama's ever growing and uncomfortable belly. So she talked about watching a few shows and playing with Emmett. Daddy told her about how he was working on a picture to send out to everybody in town and how it was hard work. (He creates the mailer that our church sends out to everyone a couple of times a year.) He also told her about how he has to give a talk at church on Sunday.

"I have to get up in front of a lot of people and talk about things. Grandma will be there, and Grandpa, and Emmett's mama, Emmett's daddy and a lot of other people. It's a little bit scary."
"No scawe, Dada. Nice peepo." (No scared, Dada. Nice people.")
"The people are nice so I shouldn't be scared?"
"Yeah, Dada."

Wise words, sweet girl.
We went to McDonalds first thing this morning to celebrate her earning her Big 5 Reward for earning 5 potty stickers. We were there from 8:15am until 11am. I think it goes without saying, but I am play placed out!

While we were there she asked me for a tissue so I showed her where the napkin dispenser was. She got a napkin, successfully cleared her nose and threw it in the trash can by herself. I said, "Great job, baby!" which Bella replied with, "No. Big girl."

My gosh. She is a big girl. I've been looking forward to her getting older and experiencing all of these awesome and fun kid things, like the play place and amusement parks and family vacations and Christmas and school and art projects, (and no diapers!) etc. And her big girl talking! The conversations we will have are something I look forward to so much! Already she's saying the most sweet and amazing things.
Ex: tonight she wanted to sleep with her bedroom light on so that the moon could see her.
I get to see who she is better through her words and I get to know this amazing little person better. The inner workings of her mind are fascinating and heartbreaking. And i get to know it better each day! 

But that means my baby is no more. I'll never have that little Bella I can hold in my arms. Who I can tap her booty when I change her diaper. Whose best friend in the world is Baabaa, her stuffed sheep. It's the epitome of bittersweet. As I write this it is the first time I have unwillingly cried about it. I've never cried about the idea of my kids growing up until right now, when I heard Bella tell her daddy that she wanted the moon to see her as she slept. 

Parenthood will and should break your heart. In the absolute best way possible. 

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